The Ruegg crew–1980
Years ago when my husband Steve was two-and-a-half years into his first pastorate and our three children were ages five and under, I found myself over-committed.
Sundays, of course, included Sunday School, church, and an evening service. Mondays we hosted a small group in our home that grew to about 30 (which, in my mind, required a clean house plus fresh iced tea and coffee). Thursday evening was choir practice.
From a handful of members to a loft-full; I’m 5th from the left
Every other week, I facilitated a Moms’ support group/Bible study. Also on the to-do list: leading Children’s Church each Sunday for a year, and participating in numerous other activities that happened on a less frequent schedule.
Do you see any issues here?! I didn’t.
All this activity felt important for the growth and community-building of our church that had been dying before we arrived. As a result, I was always on the go between the responsibilities there and at home. Sometimes I resented it (which can be one of the symptoms of striving too hard).
But the bustle felt gratifying too. In seeking to please the people around me, I was feeding my own neediness for validation. Pride and self-satisfaction lurked in the corners of my soul—wrong reasons for the striving. In addition, I was discovering those attitudes are never satiated.
What’s a Type-A person–who wants to do what’s right–supposed to do?
The following questions can help us evaluate our choices of activity, how many we choose, as well as analyze the motivations behind them:
Am I propelled most days by determination or devotion?
The determined person rarely reads her Bible or prays except on the run. Her calendar is impressively full of good-deed commitments for others, but contentment is illusive.
This woman may know that a quiet time spent with God refreshes and transforms the spirit, but she can’t seem to make it happen.
Do I find myself pressing on (to the point of exhaustion), while rarely pressing in to be strengthened?
Pressing in includes connecting with God throughout the day, especially in the thick of stress, frustration, or anxiety. One means is to recite scripture verses that bring our focus back to our all-powerful, all-wise God. [1]
Such verses include:
- “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble” (Psalm 46:1).
- “Call on me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honor me” (Psalm 50:15).
- “The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him” (Lamentations 3:25).
God is ever-ready to help—with the choices before us, when to say yes and when to say no, as well as the right motivations behind those choices.
Does people-pleasing supersede God-pleasing in my life?
Author Shauna Niequist speaks for some of us when she asks: “Why am I doing this? What is it in me that keeps things moving so breakneck fast, . . . that sacrifices my own health and happiness so that people who aren’t me will think I’m doing a good job, in some vague, moving-target kind of way?”[2]
I too find my service for others frequently tinged with people-pleasing. Does that mean I should forego such activity until I can purify my intentions?
No, wrote author and pastor, Tim Keller: “If you wait until your motives are pure and unselfish before you do something, you will wait forever.”[3]
BUT! Our heavenly Father offers this glorious hope:
Because we are covered by Jesus’ righteousness, even our imperfect efforts to please God are acceptable. And as we grow in dependence upon Christ, he’ll purify our hearts more and more.[4]
* * * * * * * * * *
Father, I know it’s downright foolish of me to strive so hard, especially for all the wrong reasons. I want to be free from people-pleasing, self-gratification of the ego, and pride. Forgive me for giving room to such attitudes in my mind.
Help me to be an eager and compliant participant as you work within me to create a pure heart and make my attitudes new.
In the powerful name of Jesus, AMEN.
(Proverbs 4:23; Psalm 51:10; Romans 12:2)
[1] Psalm 72:12 ESV
[2] Present over Perfect, 58.
[3] The Reason for God: Belief in an Age of Skepticism
[4] Isaiah 61:10; Titus 2:11-14
Photo credits: Nancy Ruegg (2); http://www.dailyverses.net; http://www.pixabay.com (TheDigitalArtist); http://www.heartlight.org; http://www.dailyverses.net.
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You’ve made so many good points that will hit home for many. I love the prayer you included to complete your post. Thank you, Nancy.
Thank YOU, Nancy, and praise God for his inspiration behind those points!
When I first returned to church as a new believer, I really felt I had to volunteer for everything and then some, Nancy. I’ve realized years later that I was much more into pleasing other people than pleasing God, although the tasks I did weren’t vague or meaningless. Thank goodness I’ve outgrown the plague of people pleasing. These days, I’m content to simply spend quiet time with the Lord, and be as available as I can be to those who need me. Great thoughts, my friend!
Blessings!
Hallelujah you’ve outgrown the plague of people pleasing, Martha! It still rears its ugly head in my life now and then. But AMEN to your statement about being content to simply spend quiet time with the Lord. It’s my favorite time of day!
I can SO relate, Nancy! I was the same way. One day a friend said to me, “You know, if you spread yourself just a little thinner … You just might reach the point (*drumroll*) of total ineffectiveness…” 🤨?!
I heard a very thought-provoking suggestion regarding setting priorities: First priority should be the things no one else can do. For example, you can hire someone to clean your house, but no one else can be a wife to your husband. Any number of women could lead a women’s Bible study, but no one else can be a mom to your children. And just try getting someone else to cultivate your relationship with God… 🤷
Wow–that’s some pointed wisdom your friend shared with you, Annie! I like that priority-setting tip, to choose to do the things no one else can do. Very helpful! Delegating (or at least asking others to prayerfully consider a particular opportunity to serve) was never my strong suit, but that’s an important skill to develop.
Nor mine, Nancy, but it’s well worth pursuing. We don’t need a bunch of Christians running around trying to do someone else’s ministry any more than we need the ones who sit around waiting for someone else to do their job! We need every member of the Body of Christ doing what (s)he is called to do, no more, no less. When THAT happens, the Great Commission will finally get done. 👍
AMEN, my friend!
Oh my goodness, just what I needed to read in these moments toward day’s end. Company’s due tomorrow (and staying 9 days) and too many preparations remain on my list . . . time to chill and be still; relax into the abiding grace and strength and peace of His presence . . . Thank you, friend!
Oh, I pray you enjoy a glorious 9 days with your house guests, Laurie! More than likely they will not arrive with white gloves, ready to inspect your house. It’s true: a house doesn’t have to be perfect to be warm and inviting. If they should happen to spot a dust bunny, they’ll worry less about their own. That’s a good thing! (These are thoughts I tell myself as I prep for guests and run out of time!!)
Nancy’s right, Laurie. A dust bunny or two makes everyone relax. (On the other hand, a perfect house is intimidating!) A friend once told me, “If you’re coming to see my house, give me two weeks’ notice. If you’re coming to see ME, stop by any time.” ❤
Now that you mention it, I’ve heard that statement about two weeks’ notice also. Thank you for sharing this perfect addition, Annie!
Sadly, this is a common concern for so many. Ironically we can wind up “doing”so much for God, they we don’t have time to “be” with God. I appreciate your encouraging words to help look at our motives. Thank you, Nancy.
You’re welcome, Bridget. I’m so glad you found encouragement here!
Such a timely word! Both a warning and an encouragement…sprinkled with wisdom.💕
Thank you, RH. As always I have to praise God for his inspiration and wisdom that I prayerfully seek as I write.
Thank you Nancy. This reminds me to make sure my motives are pure. God sees our hearts and all we do for Him, should be done in love. Doing all things in love, will help us to do what we do for the right reasons.
That’s a wonderful key word to keep in mind, Dawn, as we navigate our choices and consider our motives behind them. Love is a fruit of the Spirit; if we submit to him, he’ll show us the way of love.
Thank you for sharing the wisdom you gained from overextending yourself as a young pastor’s wife. (I was ready for a nap after reading all of the things that you took responsibility for!) Praise the Lord for giving you the strength to do all of that; but I praise God that eventually you learned how to scale back via the priorities that the Holy Spirit obviously set for you. Also, thanks for sharing that sweet picture of your young family! It is a treasure!
I was a slow student to learn how to say NO. But yes, God gave me strength–I’m still here! Some days I wondered if I’d make it to the next week. As I said in my prayer: It was downright foolish of me! / Glad you liked the picture!
Yours is one of the most helpful posts I’ve read in awhile, Nancy. I recognize my type-A, people pleaser in it with every point.
Frankly, I’m a bit of a Boy Scout who always wants to be prepared. And when I’m not perfectly executing, it REALLY bothers me. Cue dejection and shame.
However, the last time this happened, the Lord revealed to me my selfish pride is the actual stumbling block. I tend to tie it to a helium balloon, but it belongs on the ground with God.
I will save this post and read it again and again, Nancy. Like right after I finish this comment! Blessings.
Praise God you found this post to be helpful, David. You allude to one way we can fight pride in our endeavors–turn such thoughts into praise. Without the gifts and talents God’s given us, without his strength and enablement to execute, we’d be capable of nothing!
You described my younger self. I tried to do everything expected and asked of me. I am a type A. Thank you for a timely post, Nancy!
I’m so glad you found this post to be timely, Pam. We Type-A’s can stick together to fight against over-achieving!
I so relate to this. At one point in our ministry I was doing all the “church” things while also working a full-time stressful job. I realized something was wrong when I began to become resentful of all the duties I had at church; I actually dreaded Sundays. Thankfully I did learn to say “no” when needed. I did not have to be all things to all people. But when you are a pastor’s wife, it can be hard to say “no.” You don’t want to do anything that might harm your husband’s ministry. Thanks for this great advice – and I hope young pastor’s wives will read this.
Thank you Barb for adding your voice of experience. Since we CAN’T be all things to all people, it stands to reason we mustn’t try. The negative results, like resentment, take too great a toll on our well-being and our relationships with those closest to us. NOT God’s plan; NOT worth it!
Wow Nancy, that second question (Do I find myself pressing on to the point of exhaustion), while rarely pressing in to be strengthened?) really drew me up short and gave me pause for consideration. I’m afraid I fall in the category of the former not the latter. I need to work on changing that.
God bless you for honestly expressing that need, Beth. He’ll help you find ways to press in that are most meaningful to you!
Hi Nancy,
Guilty in the first degree. But I like that prayer. I want to believe He’s working through even the bonehead decisions.
Thank you, Gary
You’re welcome and AMEN, Gary! God knows he’s working with imperfect people. I believe he’s pleased with effort, just as human parents appreciate the positive efforts of their children.
Yes, yes.
Thanks 😊 Nancy for those beautiful pictures of your family. I think churches in the 70’s pushed to have more involvement and less family togetherness. Thanks for your insights once again. Sam
It all seemed good at the time, Sam–to be deeply involved at church. But you’re right: it didn’t leave as much time for us to be together as a family–especially when you add in the numerous commitments Steve had.
Well Nancy, it sure worked out well for you and the kids and now the grand kids. My sister Ruth had 5 kids from age 7 to 1. No twins.
Bet you used cloth diapers or were pampers available by then
Again thanks for your writings.
Sam
I responded to this comment a couple of days ago–‘must have neglected to hit the send button! Yes, God redeemed many of the mistakes I made! And yes, we used cloth diapers for the first two. J. was swaddled in Pampers!
A good reminder Nancy. Thank you and blessings to you. Laura Arnold
Thank you, dear Laura! We are indeed blessed. Tomorrow I get to do one of my favorite things–babysit the grands! 😁
Nancy, I began ministry with a similar schedule. It was exciting in the beginning, but not sustainable or practical. I’ve come a long way, but I’m still a work in process!
Me too, Debbie. At least these days I recognize the encroachment of pride and people-pleasing so I can confess them to God and seek his help! Thank you for stopping by and taking the time to comment!
I sure remember those days! Gas pedal to the floor at home and in church! Thanks be to God for protecting us from ourselves!
AMEN to that, Michele! Your plate was probably even more full than mine, homeschooling four boys!
I relate to the first of your three questions, Nancy, often misled by the draw of a determined life agenda. “Stopping to smell the roses” (ex. reading my Bible) is oft left for last, which means oft not read at all. For this reason, I make an effort to begin my day with “pressing in” activities, even before my wife and my neighbors are awake. Now I need to learn, as you say, to extend those same activities throughout the day.
Practicing God’s presence throughout the day has not been an easy discipline for me–I’m still learning! As thoughts waft through my mind, I try to turn concerns into prayer, wonder and joy into praise, gifts of the smallest size (like the smile of a stranger) into gratitude. I also recite scripture or sing in my mind. Slowly but surely I’m growing in awareness of God’s presence and enjoying Him more fully.
such a thought-provoking post and quite a few interesting comments too. I certainly could identify with your story – I wonder if striving/people pleasing is all part of our growth process. exhausting for sure but we also learn from our “failures” too. Thanks for such a great post!
Many people evidently go through this “phase” of over-achieving and pride (in their efforts)–even tasks taken on in service to God. You are undoubtedly right, Jean. These attitudes and actions are part of our growth process. You’ve reminded me again that God doesn’t require perfection; he’s pleased with progress. And learning from our failures certainly qualifies!