(This post is in response to a friend who asked, “Could you write about how to deal with those little aggravations that cause such trouble in our marriages?” Here are my thoughts!)
Tremendous trifles–that’s what my sociology professor called the irritating habits of spouses that can drive us crazy. Things like…
- Allowing odds and ends to pile up on the kitchen counter, and never putting them away
- Leaving lights on in vacated rooms
- Hitting the snooze alarm five times before actually getting up
- Checking messages during a dinner-date
- Rarely being ready to leave the house on time
Tremendous trifles present choices, don’t they.
1. We can choose our attitudes.
Will we dwell on the negative or will we focus on the positive qualities of our spouses?
Paul’s advice about our thought-lives (Philippians 4:8) can be applied to how we think about our spouses:
“You’ll do best by meditating on things noble…the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse” (Philippians 4:8, The Message).
Years ago, I completed a Bible study on marriage, specifically written for wives. The author recommended writing down all the positive traits of one’s husband. I surprised myself by filling a page with more than a dozen qualities I admired about Steve. As I wrote, my heart filled with refreshed love for the generous, thoughtful, hard-working man God has given me.
That familiar scripture above is accompanied by a promise, which also applies to marriage:
[Meditate on the best], “and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into most excellent harmonies” (v. 9, also from The Message).
Doesn’t that sound like the perfect marriage? Two people blending together in perfect harmony!
2. We can choose our responses.
Will we complain every time a light is left on?
Or, might the best choice be to just turn off the lights ourselves?
Yes, flipping a switch is a no-brainer for some folks, but for others—the creative and/or problem-solving types? They seem to struggle with such mundane matters. Turning off the lights just isn’t in their skill-set, no matter how much they may want to remember.
So if saving electricity is important to you, it may be wise to flip those switches yourself.
Your motto can be: “Love covers over a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8b)!
3. We can choose to discuss the issue.
Does that mean we blast away when the pressure builds?
Or, will we ask the Holy Spirit to guide the conversation and provide wisdom and grace to share honestly but kindly?
Begin with a careful choice of time and place. It’s best to discuss important matters when both parties are well-rested and well-fed. A private location is also a must. Perhaps the corner booth of a pleasant restaurant would offer a setting conducive for heart-to-heart conversation.
And then limit the discussion to one matter. An overload of negativity will sabotage the discussion.
Try a praise-then-prompt approach. That’s a teacher-tip I learned in college, but it works in any conversation when you want to present a serious request. Share with the other person at least several traits you appreciate. Then ask if it would be possible for him/her to turn out the lights!
Each choice above gives us the opportunity to express our love the First-Corinthians-Thirteen Way.
Love is patient (when the clutter-pile grows),
Love is kind (when the mirror is splattered),
It is not rude (when she finishes your sentence),
It is not self-seeking (when he wants to watch a football game),
It is not easily angered (when the cupboard doors are left open–again),
It keeps no record of wrongs (when she leaves the sponge in the sink–again).
Love always perseveres.
It takes perseverance for a stable, mutually fulfilling relationship to grow. Happily-ever-after marriages don’t just happen. They are created carefully, moment by moment–in the choices we make.
(photo and art credits: www.homelifesimplified.com , http://www.lifestyle.ca.msn.com , www,jagran.com , http://www.justalittlebreezy.com )
From the Inside Out 
Another great writing, Nancy. Thanks for the thoughtful, applicable answers. You took a touchy subject and turned it sweet.
Thank you, Grace. It was a valuable exercise for me, reviewing how to deal with irritating trifles. Even after forty-plus years of marriage, I still need to remind myself about patience, kindness, and graciousness! (After all, Steve is doing the same for me, too!)
I love this! This is so wonderfully practical. I have also tried inserting my name into 1 Corinthians … Heidi is patient and Heidi is kind … at least she is working on it 🙂
Thanks for your consistent teaching of God’s Word, dear one! I love coming here for it!
What a great idea, to insert our names into 1 Corinthians 13. And I had to smile at your humble response (“At least I’m working on it”)! Me, too!
Praise God he uses what we post!
This is a good lesson. First thought came to mind, How important is it? THINK before we respond. Is it Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary, and Kind. I know sometimes my mouth speaks before I take a deep breath and ask the Holy Spirit to guide my words. Thanks again Nancy for all you great blogs. God bless you.
Oh, yes, Laura–good adjectives by which to judge our words. I’m right with you on the deep breath and whispered prayer BEFORE we speak. I think this is one area where I’m getting better with age–but there’s still room for improvement!
Excellent advice, Nancy! I will make sure my wife reads it:-)
Thank you for your encouragement and for the chuckle, Bill!
Nancy, this is a wonderful post with some excellent practical wisdom! I love how you sum up, “Happily-ever-after marriages don’t just happen. They are created carefully, moment by moment–in the choices we make.” So true!!
Thank you, Rebeca. I’m delighted you found the post practical!
Even though I am not married…there is no reason that I cannot apply all of these suggestions to my relationships with family members and friends. The idea of ‘choosing your battles’ is also embedded in your post. I have immensely progressed in this area…if I don’t say so myself…before I retired while dealing with some very difficult people. And to forgive easily and readily is very important in relationships as well. Another great post! And I love Heidi’s idea of inserting my own name in the 1st Corinthians passage!
Oh, yes–the issue of forgiveness! VERY important, indeed. And you’re so right — tremendous trifles occur in other relationships, too. More opportunities to practice love as 1 Corinthians 13 instructs. (I’m still learning!)