As I approached the grocery check-out, I was surprised to see an acquaintance behind the counter. Another pastor’s wife.
“Hi, Cheryl*,” I said, while loading produce and paper products on the conveyor belt. “I didn’t know you worked here.”
“I just started,” she explained, swiping my purchases across the UPC reader screen. What she said next startled me. “Jim and I are getting a divorce. I’ve moved out, and needed a job to help support myself.”
“Cheryl, I am so sorry.”
“Oh, no. Don’t be. It was my choice. I couldn’t stand it anymore.”
If the divorce announcement had startled me, her next words were downright shocking. Especially because they were spoken with such bitterness.
“It just became unbearable not to have an identity of my own.” Cheryl almost spat out her words. “I was always ‘Jim’s* wife.’ Well, no more.”
My first thought was, hasn’t she sensed the team effort of a pastorate? Couldn’t she take joy in how God was using her husband?
Perhaps Jim was partly to blame. Maybe he never included her, using the pronoun “I” more frequently than “we,” never affirming how important she was to his work and well-being.
When I told my husband, Steve, about the encounter, he said, “Cheryl doesn’t realize her identity is in Jesus.”
He was right. She must have thought that asserting her own personhood would somehow make her more important.
Just what is our identity in Jesus? Nestle down into the comforting words of these scriptures:
“Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over…all the earth.” (Genesis 1:26-27).
Author and theologian, Melvin Tinker, adds this insight: “Men and women are the jewels in the crown of God’s creation. Out of all the beings in the universe only men and women are God-like, bearing His image” (Wisdom to Live By, Christian Focus Publications, 1998, p. 112).
Did you get that? You are a jewel, created uniquely by God, in his image.
“What is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him? You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings and crowned him with glory and honor” (Psalm 8:4-5).
Each of us is highly valuable to God–crowned with glory and honor. No position makes a person more important in God’s view; no gift makes someone superior.
“Those who are led by the Spirit of God are the sons [and daughters] of God” (Romans 8:14).
Think of it. If you know Jesus, you are a child of the almighty King of the universe! You are royalty in God’s kingdom!
“Now if we are children, then we are heirs–heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory” (Romans 8:17).
And what have we inherited? Countless blessings here on earth, and eternal bliss in heaven yet to come. That doesn’t mean faith in Jesus results in a utopian existence. This world is tainted by sin; we suffer the consequences. But one day we’ll share in Christ’s glory and the hardships endured here will seem inconsequential.
“You have been given fullness in Christ, who is the head over every power and authority” (Colossians 2:10).
If we’re feeling incomplete or empty, only Jesus can fill that void with peace and contentment. HE is everything we need: our Savior, Care-Giver, Guide, Source of peace, blessing, and contentment.
So! At the first symptom of an identity crisis, let’s access that “fullness in Christ” through gratitude and praise. We can thank God for creating each of us unique and special. We can praise him for our gifts and talents that bless others and fulfill us. We can revel in the privilege of living for the praise of his glory (Ephesians 1:12)!
And we can embrace this truth:
“Your real, new self…will not come as long as you are looking for it. It will come when you are looking for Him” (C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity).
(photo credit: www.biokineticspt.com.)
*Names have been changed.
From the Inside Out 
I kid you not, I’m currently in the middle of drafting an entry with the same title. Mind = blown.
How about that. Must be a wide circle of folks who need to be reminded of Who loves them and will fill that identity-void–Jesus!
Yup! It seems word has gotten out about Him! 🙂 I’m excited!
I really enjoy your blog. I needed to read this today. 🙂
Praise God that he was able to use this post to minister to you, Jennifer.
Interesting, and I’m sorry to hear about your friend who went through this experience. I don’t know much about marriage (I’m still single and come from a broken home…), and I know even less about what it takes to be a pastor’s wife; but I do think that too often, at least in my observation, some ministers forget to invest in their spouses and expect them to basically forsake their own passions and giftings for the sake of the ministry.
A good friend of mine went through this quite recently. She and her (now ex) husband married when they were just 20 years old; they were high school sweethearts and the reason he even proposed in the first place was because he felt God calling him to ministry overseas and he figured if they were just dating while he was gone, she would eventually get bored of the long distance relationship and move on to someone else. (That right there seems like a problematic reason to get married, but it is what it is.) At any rate, she married him and agreed to move to a foreign country with him with the understanding that they would serve abroad for a few years, then move back to the States. She quite willingly put aside all of her own interests and personal goals (like going to college) to help him fulfill what he believed to be his calling. When they got abroad, he showed little interest in living, and she said they both quickly became burnt out because the place at which they were serving were asking them to put in so much time and effort without really provide them with the spiritual nourishment and refreshment that they needed as a couple and as Christians (she said at times, she literally felt like she was giving it absolutely everything she had and yet, according to the supervisors at the church, etc., they weren’t giving enough). She eventually realized that she may end up spending all of her days in a foreign country whether that was their original plan or not. Still, my friend put in every ounce of energy to help in the ministry because she knew that sometimes God’s does change his plans for us; but ultimately, she discovered that she herself didn’t really feel called to serve in this extreme capacity. When she started to voice this to her husband and to the pastors/leaders of their church, they told her she was being an “unsupportive wife”. Eventually, she couldn’t take it anymore, and she left her husband, moved back to the States, and is now enrolled in school full time, where she’s achieving a 4.0 GPA and getting lots of opportunities to use her own individual talents. She’s the happiest I’ve ever seen her, and honestly, she seems more committed to her faith now than she was in the past.
I know that’s a very extreme example, but my question is, where do we draw the line when we tell someone that their identity needs to be found in Christ and not in anything else? I personally have a hard time accepting that a minister’s wife is to forsake her own identity just so her husband can do what he feels called to do. To me, having a Christ-grounded identity means that God will empower you to use the gifts, passions, and talents HE has placed in you as an individual. And as far as marriage goes, I think there has to be balance and openness and a willingness from BOTH spouses to help one another achieve their collective goals as a couple as well as the individual goals that God has for each person. Why would God give us individual aspirations and talents if ultimately, our job was to ignore them? Aren’t we being the truest versions of ourselves and the best representations of Christ when we utilize the passions and talents he’s given us?
I apologize for the long-winded commented and if my comment is out of place for this entry, but these are just some thoughts that frequently come to my mind whenever I think about marriage, ministry, identity, and some of the expectations the Church places on its people.
Jessica, I so appreciate your thoughtful, carefully-explained comments. You are right: there are extreme cases where simple solutions won’t work. When one spouse is in denial and unaccepting of counseling, the other may have to make a drastic choice. You addressed the situation very well: “There has to be balance and openness and a willingness from BOTH spouses to help one another achieve their collective goals as a couple as well as the individual goals that God has for each person.” Your friend obviously did not have that kind of relationship, nor the community support she needed. It saddens me greatly that situations such as this occur between Christians. Such a tragedy!
Thank you, Nancy, for being understanding and open to my perspective here. In my friend’s case, they did try counseling (with the pastors of the church at which they were serving), but she believes the church had an ulterior motive; they wanted to keep them on the ministry team and knew that if they advised my friend and her husband to seek balance, they’d eventually leave the country all together. Whether or not that’s true is beyond me, but I can understand why she would feel that way. Every time she voiced any of her concerns, even in their counseling sessions, she said she always felt the pastor/counselor would side with her husband and tell her that she was in the wrong for wanting to pursue her own dreams and goals. Now, I don’t know that that sort of thing happens in every situation, but it happened to my own mom as well, and her and my father’s marriage ended in divorce.
My mother was in an abusive situation (physical, emotional, even spiritual), but when they talked to counselors/pastors at church, the pastors turned it around on her and told her that she needs to forgive my dad, submit, and show him love in order for their marriage to be amended. She literally lost herself in that marriage (and very well could have died, had she stayed in it). She is doing much better now that she is divorced. I’ve watched her grow into a strong, independent individual who, honestly, has found spiritual freedom for the first time in her life; her faith and identity in Jesus are much stronger now than ever before, and I can now confidently say that I believe she is fully walking in the path that God has for her. Of course, it took years of praying and seeking the Lord to get to the point where she finally decided she wanted a divorce in the first place. But in her case, I know it was on the only option for her. I truly believe she did God’s will by walking away from that toxic marriage.
Now, again, that is an extreme case, and I definitely am NOT an advocate of divorce in most cases. I think my friend and my mother are both exceptions to the rule. In their cases, they tried everything they could to keep their marriages in tact, but what breaks my heart is the kind of “godly counsel” they were given from church pastors and leaders. For my friend, that counsel cost her her own personal calling (until she chose to ignore that advice all together), and for my mother, it nearly cost her her life.
My point is, the body of Christ needs to be really careful in what we say to people when they face a situation like divorce. I don’t know your friend Cheryl, but I just think it’s far too easy to make statements like, “well, that person doesn’t realize his/her identity in Christ” or “that person is trying to make life about themselves instead of God” without knowing enough about their story or struggles. While both of those assertions might be true in many cases, from the experiences closest to me, it’s not always necessarily true.
Thanks again for listening, Nancy. I hope I’m not over-stepping my bounds by sharing this alternate perspective. 🙂
You are NOT over-stepping any bounds by sharing an alternate perspective! It’s important we consider both sides of an issue. And you make a very valid point that I must not make judgments without knowing the whole story behind someone’s struggle. Especially since I am not a psychologist or counselor! Thank you for taking the time to share from your experience.
Your post hit me in gut today. As I was reading, I was thinking about the persecuted church and pastors who are imprisoned for their faith. I was thinking in particular about one Pastor whose picture sits by my sink … and his wife who is standing by him … in all this pain and agony.
I think I am so spoiled as a Christian and often guilty of insisting on my own way, when Christ clearly says “I am the Way”
I am guilty of wanting my own identity, when the Bible clearly says, “Delight yourself in the LORD” (not myself)
I am also guilty of wanting an easy way out, when Christ clearly says to take up my cross and follow him … I am guilty of pursuing ease and comfort when God clearly says “do not have any other gods before Me”
I wonder, Nancy, if we really have grasp the concept of surrender, to God and to one another. Why do I look so much like the world, when I suppose to look more and more like Christ?
Thanks, so much dear friend … for this very insightful post! You always make me think and draw me to toward Him.
And thank you, Heidi, for your rich insights here. Your questions would be worth pondering at least once a week, to refocus on God and his way for us!
This concept of where our true identity lies, must be something the Lord wants me to really grasp. This very thing has been the theme of the year for me, it seems. I had posted about this several months ago, and was so excited by it. Then just yesterday I was lamenting that the concept seems to be slipping away from me. The cares of this world have a nasty way of making spiritual truths fade from the forefront. You have, as usual, worded this so beautifully. Thank you for the reminder…it is timely for me.
Rebeca, you are so right: “The cares of this world have a nasty way of making spiritual truths fade from the forefront.” That’s why I have to be intentional about bringing spiritual truths back to the forefront–with a daily quiet time, Christian reading, Christian radio, worship at the window (while doing dishes!), etc. Not that cares slip away entirely, but with the Holy Spirit’s help I’m doing a better job of keeping them at bay. Perhaps the day will come when I can live above the fray, on a plane of total peace and contentment in Jesus!
I am gratefully thankful that my identity is in Christ. I reflect back in years how I would expect others to be happy because I was in their life. How egotistic is that!! As I grow in my walk with the Lord, my expectations have changed. I know the only one that can change a person is Jesus Christ. I believe it is a learning experience.as we walk with the Lord. Thanks Nancy for bring this our foresight.
You are so right: as we mature, our expectations change. We’re less and less concerned with self and more concerned about others and pleasing Jesus. But it is a learning experience, day by day. It doesn’t happen all at once!
I appreciated all the scriptural references you mentioned concerning our identity in Christ. I thought of this one as well in
1 Corinthians 6: 19 What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?
20 For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God’s.
Pretty clear, that!
Gail at Making Life An Art
Oh, yes, that’s a good one! Quite an amazing concept, being a temple for the Spirit of God–of the entire universe!! Thank you, Gail, for your input!
Nancy, this came at the right time for me, too. I’ve been having an identity crisis and didn’t realize it. As you know, my parents are still living; mom is 84, dad is 90. My dad is in failing health. This week mom came down with the flu (doing better today). My brother passed away in 2006. That just leaves me, alone someday, with no children or siblings ..should Christ tarry in His return or the natural order of the child (me) dying after the parents happens the other way around. (I know this is somewhat morbid thinking, but this greatest fear of mine has been eating at me for the past two days in a big way.) I know in my head that my Heavenly Father is always with me and always will be with me no matter my earthly circumstances. It was good to be reminded of this. When/if the time comes that I am dreading…I know the He will supply all of my needs (strength, courage, acceptance) according to his riches in glory…which are endless. To worry about something that hasn’t happened and may not happen just isn’t right. I need to trust in Him and not look ahead. One day at a time…which is what is written in the Word…’sufficient to the day is the evil thereof’. Could I ask that you and Steve pray for me, please? I hope that this is not inappropriate to ask in a blog. I think the devil is playing on my greatest weakness right now (which is fear of the future). My ultimate future is with my Heavenly Father… I guess my ‘feelings’ are getting in the way of my faith. Thanks for your faithfulness to this blog.
You’ve included so much encouragement within your comments, Cheri. Already you are affirming powerful scriptural truths! Steve and I will indeed pray that God solidifies these concepts in your heart, to bring you constant peace and strength.
Something else I know: your nieces care for you deeply. They will keep you surrounded with human love!
A huge thanks for you and Steve and willingness to pray for me. Even though this particular blog came out last week…the Lord meant for me to read it yesterday. And you are so right…my nieces will always be there for me. They have assured me of that. Not to sound too proud…but I think possibly that Satan considers me a nuisance since I have begun posting spiritual comments daily on my FB timeline and, therefore, has been concentrating on disrupting my peace. For the most part (due to anxiety) I have limited my exposure to the disturbing events of our country to a minimum; so this week the evil one decided to come at me from another direction…via my family concerns. But I have Christ on my side; Satan is fighting a losing battle and he hates it! Thanks, again, for your prayers. I know they are helping already.
That’s great news, Cheri. I’m so glad you are already feeling an uplift from Jesus, who IS upholding you, and always will. (That’s something we all need to remind ourselves of–frequently!)